Tom Basham

Hansel & Gretel

In This Just OUT on January 23, 2013 at 8:52 pm

hansel-and-gretel-imax-post Every fairy tale should be seen in 3-D Imax with rock music blaring.  I watched this today at the Regal in Manassas with a total of six other people, four of whom were by themselves.  I would have talked to them, but the kind of people who see “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” at noon on a Friday are not the sociable type.
This movie had me at the edge of my seat, until about 10 minutes in when this babe jumps up on the stage in the middle of the town square and bellows, “My name’s Gretel,” and she hefts the wicked ancient assault cross bow from her shoulder, “And this is my brother Hansel”.  Well, that put me and everyone in the town in our place.  And I kept looking for the bread crumbs. That’s right – spoiler alert – there are NO bread crumbs.

As the non-stop commercials have informed me, this was a twist on the old story. So I got what I expected – the new Hollywood formula that takes anything with brand recognition and turns it into an action movie. I am fully expecting “The Wonder Bread Killer,” served up just in time for Christmas with the catch phrase, “This guy is toast.”

So, we got Jeremy Renner as the bad ass Hansel.  Ever since he was in that bomb movie that did not bomb, he has blown up.  If he can elbow Matt Damon out of the “Bourne” series and Tom Cruise out of the “MI” series, he can certainly put a witch in the “Hurt Locker.”  While I never pictured Gretel with breasts and using the F-word, I can’t stop myself now after watching Gemma Arterton.  She has been in some other movies but I would not recognize her now without her crossbow and sprayed-on leather pants.

These kids grow up to kill witches and save bad women.  In fact, Hansel saves him a redhead for a nice skinny dip scene later on.  Gretel ends up with a troll, much like Julia Roberts did when she married Lyle Lovett.  For some reason that we don’t find out about until we need to, Witches’ magic does not work on Gretel, but oddly their right cross and kicks to the chest do.  I have never seen witches’ with such ninja-like moves.  Which reminds me, I saw a great trailer where that guy who was caught between a rock and another rock, breaks free and goes to Oz to take on the Wicked Witch.  He should take Gretel with him, and give Hansel the week off.  Anyways, H & G are doing great until they run into the baddest witch of all played by Famke Janssen.  What’s worse, they try to take her down while she is having this big meeting with all her witch friends, just like that last scene in “Jerry Macguire” when he walks into that divorced women’s group.  I just got the worst chill.

Just when I thought there were none of the lessons learned from the old story, H & G find themselves at the old Witch’s house and Hansel says, “Whatever you do, don’t eat the F-ing candy.” And for that reason, I give this movie 3 out 5 stars.  It delivered on it’s promise to twist an old story so I would not recognize it.  “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” will not change your life, because you will be able to find it in the parking lot where the birds ate all my bread crumbs.  Oh, and I am not really a fan of the whole 3-D thing, but I snuck my glasses out and wore them on the drive home.  It was like I was in a real 3-D world…oh Gretel where are thou?


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